A Big Change

     I have told a few more of my family members about my relationship, but I still have a few in the dark, though they aren't stupid.

     For the past month or so, we have been camping. Saving money for our move to Oregon. We have 3 vehicles going, and the whole family! Even Dove and Prince's oldest son! We are so excited to have him here! He has been having a difficult time with a few of his own decisions. Just turning 18, he wanted a taste of adulthood for himself. After a recent heart break, he has decided to come with us to Prince's family in Oregon.
     We all quit our jobs for this move, and so far, we have been able to pull together as a family and make things work. All of our belongings are tucked away in the u-hual and we are on the road currently. At the moment, we are stopped at a rest stop just resting it up!

Dad Knows...

     I had an idea of what to expect with my dad... It could go a few directions. Either he already knew from some of the things that have been going around as rumors... or he didn't know and it was going to be a shocker to him...
     It was a shocker...
     We all went in to the restaurant. The three of us and my dad. It was weird. There was quite a few silences and I am sure that it was awkward for everybody... In my head I was thinking of some way to talk to him. My mind was going 1000 miles a second trying to come up with something to say. To tell him about us while sounding confident (which I wasn't). My head was spinning so fast that I honestly thought that I would pass out. My stomach hurt and I was also planning the fastest route out of the restaurant to the nearest bush... My head was hurting so bad... But my heart hurt even more. Why couldn't I just tell him? Why was this so hard? He is my dad! He isn't going to walk away from me!
     How do I tell the man that raised me and Loved me no matter what that I was not planning on following the steps that he wanted me to follow? How do I tell this man that raised me that I was together with another man that happened to be almost a year older then him? How do I tell him that this man that I am in Love with is also married and has 3 children? How do I introduce Polygamy to him while still sounding like I knew what I was talking about. I didn't. I really didn't know what I was talking about. I really didn't want to be there in that moment.
     When I am stressed or overwhelmed I always say that I would like to dig a hole, lay in it and cover myself with as many blankets as possible until I finally fell asleep only to wake up a few years later when everything has blown over.

     We went in together... Started the conversation together... we told him together... but before he really started talking, he asked Dove and Prince to leave. The first thing he asked was if I was pregnant... That seems to be his go-to question when I do something to upset him...
     He warned me that I would loose most of my family. This I know... but having it confirmed by my dad hurt me even more. I have already lost a lot of my family just be being here... I still don't understand the reason behind that.
     He kept saying that he "gets it". But with how many times he had said that... I think that he was just trying to talk himself in to it... Try to get himself to recognize reality from drewm... Or hoping that I would drop everything and come 'home' with him by saying it so many times...
     We use analogies to help explain things... it is common between us... to explain why I had not told him before now... I used the snalogy of If I was buying Africa, and I came to him and told him that I was going to... I would look like a fool. I don't know how to buy Africa, I don't know anything about the country, and I certainly don't have the funds... His reply was that he would have wanted me to ask him what I thought about buying Africa. If he thought that it was even possible... And he is right... I was just afraid of the followup questions. I was afraid that he would ask more questions as to why I was asking about Polygamy in the first place. I needed to have more control before I started in on the questions. I still don't feel like I have complete control of the situation... But I also don't think that I ever will...
     Another analogy that he used was drugs... This I did not appreciate. But I didn't know how to correct him. He said that if I were to come to him and say that I was addicted to Heroine... And I asked him to drive me to town to get me more drugs, he would have a problem with supporting that but he would help me to overcome my addiction and love me through it all... Kind of like he has a problem with supporting this relationship.
      I realize that it has been quite a while since I was supposed to post this, but a lot has been going on... We are moving, and currently camping with nowhere else to go but back to camp. I will update soon!

Fresh Wounds

     For the few of you that are waiting for my reply on what happened with my dad... I told him. It went okay. He has not disowned me. But he is also not sure what to do next... A full explanation is on its way. I just can't manage it emotionally right now...

Telling Daddy... Before Thoughts

5/1/14 1:44pm
     An email was sent to my dad about 10 minutes ago. It said simply that me, Prince, and Dove would like to have coffee with him... He can bring his wife (my step-mother) if he wants...
     I decided that I want to do it with all of us there. But start out by saying that we aren't trying to gang up on him. But I don't know how to answer some questions and it would be easier for even him if Prince and Dove were there to answer questions as well...
     I feel like I have skipped the butterflies of nerves and gone strait to the humming birds with spiky beaks. He has not yet come to an answer yet if he can or can't. But I am very afraid that he will see me differently and not in a good way.
     More to come in the same post so keep an updating view!

5/1/14 2:11pm
     Dad sent an email back asking the subject... Not wanting to reply too much information via email, I told him that it had to do with 'Relationships and Futures. Mainly with Prince and Dove. And a project that we have been working on'. Relationships referring to my relationship with Prince and Dove as well as my relationship with my dad. Futures suggesting that our future relationships as well as our futures in general. The project meaning the Blog, but I am not sure if I am going to let him read it... yet anyways... I am just worried about the content and how I want him to view is oldest daughter...

5/1/14 5:09pm
     We meet my dad in 11 minutes at the local cafe... Nerves are setting in... I feel like I am just about to go on stage with my pants dropped and a toilet plunger on my head... How do I do this? What do I say? What if he thinks that we have been lying to him for months?? What if he changes his mind about Prince? What if... What if... What if... I'm killin myself here guys! Stressing myself right in to an early grave! 

Helpful advice from Michele

On Facebook yesterday, Dove and I posted a question. It has been a issue that has been following us around for a month now... When I say that it is an issue, I mean that it is something that we have not been able to get past but it definitely needed to be resolved. 

     The issue was our First Date. Mine and Prince's First Date that is...

     We got a lot of comments. A lot of great advice and a few not-so-needed comments. But a few of these stuck out. Specifically one woman stuck out to me the most. Michele was helpful and only wished the best for us. She has no idea who we are or what we do, a lot like the other women who helped. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of good advice. But let me share with you a few specific points that Michele made. These are her exact words. 

     "when you guys do spend time alone with hubby do not get jealous and go crazy thinking they r having fun without ya or they are talking behind your back type thing!!!" She is so right! I have been guilty of thinking this even when they are in the other room doing nothing but talking on the couch. But the few times that I was feeling insecure, I would just walk up and ask if I could join the conversation. Remembering that they both Love and Care for me and want nothing but the best for me and the relationships!

     "You could drive yourself crazy thinking of the things that they r doing, always know that when he comes home he loves you for you and her for her and you have moments and memories that will never be taken away and so will she!!" Alone Time was difficult for both Dove and I for this exact reason. It was hard to get over, but if we had simply had this mindset when entering our relationship, it would have been so much easier to adjust to! That might also be part of the reason that Dove is having so many issues with our dating situations. But keeping in mind that both of us have the chance to do this is helpful in and of itself!

     "He does not love you less because he took her on a date and came home in a great mood - sit back and look at the times he takes ya out and you guys come home in a great mood you know what I mean??" Prince has been saying the same thing for the past couple of weeks. It just never clicked until Michele said this. He loves us in different ways for who we are but all the same!

     "ya'll 5 months is not that much time to get to know anyone and I just feel like if you guys were positive to each other and you really work through this then you are ging to have a best friend for life in your SW!" 5 months is not a long time... But it is all important. In the past 5 months there have been ups and downs and all-arounds. And it feels like years to me... But time is time, and we still have plenty of it!

     "you have to understand too that she is not your mom - that's something that you have to work through"--"Not saying she does not have to work at that either too!! It takes a long time to get trust back from someone and she needs to work with you to show you that you can trust her again." I have had quite a few issues with my mother... And I see a lot of my mother in Dove. It has held me back from a lot of Love and Compassion. But Michele is right, she is not my mother. However, I am afraid that she might have too much of the same mind as her. That is what I am afraid of most. It will take a lot of time, healing and undestanding before I am able to fully trust Dove again. 

     "ALWAYS look at the positive - not only will it make you look at her differently but it willl make you look at life differently!!" Yes! Absolutely! I often find myself looking for the bad in others. Always afraid to let my guard down. There are very few people who I fully trust in this world. And it hurts the most when those few people that I finally get to trusting obliterate my Heart. That goes back to the comment above about my mother... But like she said, 'she is not my mom'.

     "You guys can get over this - you don't hate each other and it's all in the past is all you gotta keep thinking. Everything can be forgiven and it has to be to go forward - you have made it this far - alot of ppl just give up but since you are here asking then it just says alot about how much you want it and it will come in time I really hope it will!! All the ladies here are pretty experienced and hell even the ones in it a long time are here learning as well!! I've been poly forever and am learning new things here!! Keep an open mind and don't knock anything till ya try it and I think you guys will be ok. I hope anyway - I'm gunning for the two of you - really sucks to be where ya are but you can do this - you both can!!" And a final cheer to top it off! We know we can and we aren't giving up!

     She also mentioned a game that might help us understand each other and get to know one another better which we will try and share accordingly. 

     I truly appreciate the advice that Michele has given us. It should have been a given before she even mentioned any of this, but it truly helps us to hear/read it. Thank you so much Michele! And thank you to all the other ladies that wish to stay unnamed that have helped us as well!