Aside from all that is going on in our relationship, the house is coming along nicely! We are working to make our rented house a home for the time and I do believe that it might just be working!
Prince has been having some troubles teaching the boys about electricity and how exactly it works. So as a great learning experience, we decided to shut the power off. Nothing is a better learning opportunity then a hands on experience.
We are running our laptops, tablets, internet, and phones on just a solar panel and a couple of car batteries. Kerosine lamps and big candles are all around the house. We live in a colder area of the country so we need to heat the house. We do this with just 4 tea light candles and a couple clay pots. This has been such a great experience for all of us! If you are looking for a way to save money, take a couple months break from having electricity! It is a wonderful experience that has brought us all closer together as a family! Not to mention that it is really cute to see your significant other carrying around a kerosine lantern just to see...
Prince just out together a nice camp fire just bellow the back porch... I can see many nights there sitting around the fire enjoying each others company. Tonight we will roast some hotdogs and enjoy dinner by the fire. Soon, though, I hope that we can have some friends over and have a nice get-together. We will see.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Good vs. Bad
I'm not sure what to write about.
How do I express what is going on in our relationship right now?
Why isn't anybody else wanting to blog about what is going on? I'm not
Why am I not comfortable with writing and sharing what we all have been going through?
I have been feeling rather guilty. About the time that I wrote my last post, Dove pointed out that I don't really share many good things about her. And she is correct. I express how much I love Prince and I tell all about how Dove messes up. That is how my usual post goes. I tell you my feelings on everything the happens. But it has been split between Good and Bad; between Prince and Dove. And yes, this is another post that has nothing to do with the good that I see in Dove.
How do I write about the good things with Dove when they don't happen very often? Of course, we don't go the whole day glaring at each other from across the room or yelling at each other, making snide comments... We can and do have fun. But it feels forced. And it is usually short lived. I can keep my good mood going through the whole day as long as I am still breathing. I can change a bad mood to a good mood with the help of some friends. But Dove cannot. She has a hard time keeping a smile on her face. She has a hard time not taming her emotions or controlling her thoughts. So when we have a good moment, I'm expecting a sour attitude in the near future.
To tell the truth... I haven't written because I have been waiting for the perfect [good] thing to write about her. And more truth says that it happened. I was thinking about ways to write about how proud I was and the good experience I had had that night... Until she got home from work.
The night before.
A simply perfect night. I got the honor of sleeping between both Prince and Dove. Sleeping between them is a huge deal. Prince usually sleeps between us to keep us from getting jealous. He does his best to try to keep it equal between us. I felt like I could sleep between them because I felt comfortable with BOTH of them. I felt comfortable with Dove not getting jealous about me sleeping between her and Prince. And of course, I felt comfortable with OUR Prince. I was proud of Dove. I was truly grateful that she was showing signs of learning how to be a better person. Prince was happy, and that made me happy. I was finally accepting Dove for a Sister... Until the morning came.
The day of.
According to Dove, there was no trigger. There was no reason for her to be upset. But if you had seen what I saw, you would have to wonder if she was lying to us or to herself. There is absolutely NO excuse for getting physically violent with someone that you supposedly Love. She came in the door pissed off and it only got worse from then on. We had done nothing but be supportive and Loving towards her all day... all week... all month. Fuck, we were there for her when she really didn't deserve anything. But what we got in return was shit. Almost literally. How do I continue to be supportive to a person who is ungrateful and unappreciative as to what we put up with from them? What the fuck am I supposed to say to a person who can't even look you in the eye? What do you say to a person who is almost growling at you for no FUCKING reason. Even a week later, you can tell that I'm still pretty sore about what had happened. I told her once before that if she ever got physical with me that I would never forgive her and I would leave that very moment. The only reason I didn't was because Prince was still there. If it wasn't for him, I would have left the key on the table. After all that we had gotten through, she chooses the day after I accept her completely to Break my Heart. I was Shattered. What the hell do you say to a person who has completely SHATTERED you? The only reason I kept any composure at all was because Prince was there as a reminder for what I wanted more.
Dove slept on the couch that night while Prince and I slept alone in our King size bed. He didn't sleep very well. But I was so exhausted from the amount of emotion and energy that I passed out almost immediately. Prince made the comment that I had finally gotten what I wanted... A night with just him... He is right, that is what I have wanted for a while now, but not under these circumstances. This was definitely not what I wanted.
As you can tell, we have not left Dove. Yet. Prince Promised Dove that he would leave if it ever happened again. But he has made that promise before. And not kept it. But this time will be different, he says, and I believe him. He Loves Dove, but he is tired of the bullshit. Time is the most precious commodity on Earth... and we will no longer waist it with bullshit. The truth is that I keep a bag ready so I can make a quick getaway... I'm waiting for her next explosion. This isn't a threat... it is a Promise.
On a better note!
Dove has shown progress in the past couple of days. She has come to us before she looses control of her thoughts and emotions and she has done very well with her interactions with people overall. I'm seeing good... but I hope that I'm not seeing good that is hiding bad. In other words, if it is all a facade, I will be disappointed, but I won't be surprised.
She has been more grateful for the way that we treat her and for the fact that we have not lost all hope and left yet. She has accepted all of our support and all of our Love. But when I say that she has been making progress... I can only speak for the past few days... I'm hoping that this hope isn't going to be short lived as well...
Goal!
Please notice how much of this writing is bad versus how much of this is good... I would say that it is about 60/40 and eventually I want to see more good then bad. That is our goal. And I believe that I have a good enough ideas of all of our intentions to say that it is a goal for ALL of us...
How do I express what is going on in our relationship right now?
Why isn't anybody else wanting to blog about what is going on? I'm not
Why am I not comfortable with writing and sharing what we all have been going through?
I have been feeling rather guilty. About the time that I wrote my last post, Dove pointed out that I don't really share many good things about her. And she is correct. I express how much I love Prince and I tell all about how Dove messes up. That is how my usual post goes. I tell you my feelings on everything the happens. But it has been split between Good and Bad; between Prince and Dove. And yes, this is another post that has nothing to do with the good that I see in Dove.
How do I write about the good things with Dove when they don't happen very often? Of course, we don't go the whole day glaring at each other from across the room or yelling at each other, making snide comments... We can and do have fun. But it feels forced. And it is usually short lived. I can keep my good mood going through the whole day as long as I am still breathing. I can change a bad mood to a good mood with the help of some friends. But Dove cannot. She has a hard time keeping a smile on her face. She has a hard time not taming her emotions or controlling her thoughts. So when we have a good moment, I'm expecting a sour attitude in the near future.
To tell the truth... I haven't written because I have been waiting for the perfect [good] thing to write about her. And more truth says that it happened. I was thinking about ways to write about how proud I was and the good experience I had had that night... Until she got home from work.
The night before.
A simply perfect night. I got the honor of sleeping between both Prince and Dove. Sleeping between them is a huge deal. Prince usually sleeps between us to keep us from getting jealous. He does his best to try to keep it equal between us. I felt like I could sleep between them because I felt comfortable with BOTH of them. I felt comfortable with Dove not getting jealous about me sleeping between her and Prince. And of course, I felt comfortable with OUR Prince. I was proud of Dove. I was truly grateful that she was showing signs of learning how to be a better person. Prince was happy, and that made me happy. I was finally accepting Dove for a Sister... Until the morning came.
The day of.
According to Dove, there was no trigger. There was no reason for her to be upset. But if you had seen what I saw, you would have to wonder if she was lying to us or to herself. There is absolutely NO excuse for getting physically violent with someone that you supposedly Love. She came in the door pissed off and it only got worse from then on. We had done nothing but be supportive and Loving towards her all day... all week... all month. Fuck, we were there for her when she really didn't deserve anything. But what we got in return was shit. Almost literally. How do I continue to be supportive to a person who is ungrateful and unappreciative as to what we put up with from them? What the fuck am I supposed to say to a person who can't even look you in the eye? What do you say to a person who is almost growling at you for no FUCKING reason. Even a week later, you can tell that I'm still pretty sore about what had happened. I told her once before that if she ever got physical with me that I would never forgive her and I would leave that very moment. The only reason I didn't was because Prince was still there. If it wasn't for him, I would have left the key on the table. After all that we had gotten through, she chooses the day after I accept her completely to Break my Heart. I was Shattered. What the hell do you say to a person who has completely SHATTERED you? The only reason I kept any composure at all was because Prince was there as a reminder for what I wanted more.
Dove slept on the couch that night while Prince and I slept alone in our King size bed. He didn't sleep very well. But I was so exhausted from the amount of emotion and energy that I passed out almost immediately. Prince made the comment that I had finally gotten what I wanted... A night with just him... He is right, that is what I have wanted for a while now, but not under these circumstances. This was definitely not what I wanted.
As you can tell, we have not left Dove. Yet. Prince Promised Dove that he would leave if it ever happened again. But he has made that promise before. And not kept it. But this time will be different, he says, and I believe him. He Loves Dove, but he is tired of the bullshit. Time is the most precious commodity on Earth... and we will no longer waist it with bullshit. The truth is that I keep a bag ready so I can make a quick getaway... I'm waiting for her next explosion. This isn't a threat... it is a Promise.
On a better note!
Dove has shown progress in the past couple of days. She has come to us before she looses control of her thoughts and emotions and she has done very well with her interactions with people overall. I'm seeing good... but I hope that I'm not seeing good that is hiding bad. In other words, if it is all a facade, I will be disappointed, but I won't be surprised.
She has been more grateful for the way that we treat her and for the fact that we have not lost all hope and left yet. She has accepted all of our support and all of our Love. But when I say that she has been making progress... I can only speak for the past few days... I'm hoping that this hope isn't going to be short lived as well...
Goal!
Please notice how much of this writing is bad versus how much of this is good... I would say that it is about 60/40 and eventually I want to see more good then bad. That is our goal. And I believe that I have a good enough ideas of all of our intentions to say that it is a goal for ALL of us...
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Hello there, Im um Prince, i guess....
Good day, and thanks for taking the time to read these pages. I will start out by introducing my self and explaining some of my unique attributes.
So my name, well obviously its not prince, we each gave each other the lil nicknames due to the nature of the topic being discussed. But for now prince will do. I have found my self in a rather unique situation. I am for the first time in my life seeing the possibility of a life long dream of mine finally being fulfilled. (or the end of a marriage that should have never happened.) However, after all this time patiently searching, having all but given up. I had even went so far as to isolate myself from society and my fellow man as much as possible. Only to have the very person me and my wife have been looking for, for so long to appear almost by pure chance and be completely taken with the first meeting. This almost makes one believe in fate or some weird god with one really warped sense of humour. And what a short strange tip its been thus far...
Marriage:
After 21 years of being married I had found that my life was one big compromise after another and I really wanted a change. But i had no real idea on how to make that change. Or if it was even possible. I do know that I had gotten to this point in my life with out having to worry about my marriage to much as we had lots of other concerns. always other concerns, and now we can focus on each other more. its interesting to see how things turn out. Life's journey and all seem to always keep me on my toes. But I have to say after all that I have been through I still love my Wife very deeply and have a hard time seeing myself without her at my side. We have always been there for one another, or at least i have always been there for here I feel. I have had my doubts there over the years. But she has always taken them away is some fashion or another..
But I can still see that option if we cant compromise any more and cant see from one another’s POV. I have to start thinking of the possibility. I have come to the profound realization that I will never get time back in this life and have thus found that i value it more and more as it slips through our fingers...
Jealousy:
This is the mind-killer In my honest opinion. and is what almost always has to be the thing that kills what we are trying to attempt.. I can not understand how a woman's mind works, especially that of a woman with an illogical mind. Since my life kind of revolves around science and logic this should make sense. So keep in mind that anything you do with one you must now do with the other. and what’s more if you happen to do something different or something that the other can do you get instant jealousy.. and that demon is not only hard to fight but also likes to add an element that is almost the equivalent of playing with a live hand grenade. I believe that Snow-dove is starting to understand this and is exercising that demon. I believe that the only thing we can do is be here to reassure her that we are here for her and we are not looking to replace her in anyway. But to add to her and to show her that we can live better as a group working together towards a common goal as opposed to individually.
Equal Time:
This is another attachment to jealousy I think, or rather an extension of it when it can no longer be accessed through normal means.. I have made several suggestions to solve this problem, but it seems to come back and rear it's ugly head more often than id like I have one person that handles it in a way that is most admirable and the other that is still learning. Making progress albeit a bit slower than Id like to admit. I believe once the issues of time spent individually are worked out then the inherent jealousy in most women would disappear. But I am still waiting to see if that part of this will manifest.
How it should be done (or how I pictured it):
I pictured finding that other special someone for our lives together, and had all but given up after trying unsuccessfully for over a decade. I had all but given up especially with the last episode in my life i had pretty much given up on most of life and wanted nothing more than to just tell the world to piss off and find a place that i could at least be self-sufficient to the point that i would not need to rely on any one or thing. I had gone to the point of staying in my house basement and helping others and working as i could from my computer. And just when i give up all hope here come one last person to stir the pot to the point of a complete reset of life and thought.... Gotta say never seen that one coming... But sure glad for the support and help and am glad to be able to give it back... This is about how I pictured it all working out, Snowdove finds that she can be as thankful for the love and support as I am and sees the need and want that is there and embraces it fully. Takes all the emotional baggage that comes with it and uses it to make things better as opposed to a tool to drive us apart...
what would u do?
P.S. This post is over a week in the making and i have been told that i wright with the grace of a barbarian with an axe so please forgive my honesty and bluntness... If anyone ever had this whole story i cant help but think it would make an awesome book... OH and welcome to the true land of confusion! Buckle up its gonna be a fun ride!
So my name, well obviously its not prince, we each gave each other the lil nicknames due to the nature of the topic being discussed. But for now prince will do. I have found my self in a rather unique situation. I am for the first time in my life seeing the possibility of a life long dream of mine finally being fulfilled. (or the end of a marriage that should have never happened.) However, after all this time patiently searching, having all but given up. I had even went so far as to isolate myself from society and my fellow man as much as possible. Only to have the very person me and my wife have been looking for, for so long to appear almost by pure chance and be completely taken with the first meeting. This almost makes one believe in fate or some weird god with one really warped sense of humour. And what a short strange tip its been thus far...
Marriage:
After 21 years of being married I had found that my life was one big compromise after another and I really wanted a change. But i had no real idea on how to make that change. Or if it was even possible. I do know that I had gotten to this point in my life with out having to worry about my marriage to much as we had lots of other concerns. always other concerns, and now we can focus on each other more. its interesting to see how things turn out. Life's journey and all seem to always keep me on my toes. But I have to say after all that I have been through I still love my Wife very deeply and have a hard time seeing myself without her at my side. We have always been there for one another, or at least i have always been there for here I feel. I have had my doubts there over the years. But she has always taken them away is some fashion or another..
But I can still see that option if we cant compromise any more and cant see from one another’s POV. I have to start thinking of the possibility. I have come to the profound realization that I will never get time back in this life and have thus found that i value it more and more as it slips through our fingers...
Jealousy:
This is the mind-killer In my honest opinion. and is what almost always has to be the thing that kills what we are trying to attempt.. I can not understand how a woman's mind works, especially that of a woman with an illogical mind. Since my life kind of revolves around science and logic this should make sense. So keep in mind that anything you do with one you must now do with the other. and what’s more if you happen to do something different or something that the other can do you get instant jealousy.. and that demon is not only hard to fight but also likes to add an element that is almost the equivalent of playing with a live hand grenade. I believe that Snow-dove is starting to understand this and is exercising that demon. I believe that the only thing we can do is be here to reassure her that we are here for her and we are not looking to replace her in anyway. But to add to her and to show her that we can live better as a group working together towards a common goal as opposed to individually.
Equal Time:
This is another attachment to jealousy I think, or rather an extension of it when it can no longer be accessed through normal means.. I have made several suggestions to solve this problem, but it seems to come back and rear it's ugly head more often than id like I have one person that handles it in a way that is most admirable and the other that is still learning. Making progress albeit a bit slower than Id like to admit. I believe once the issues of time spent individually are worked out then the inherent jealousy in most women would disappear. But I am still waiting to see if that part of this will manifest.
How it should be done (or how I pictured it):
I pictured finding that other special someone for our lives together, and had all but given up after trying unsuccessfully for over a decade. I had all but given up especially with the last episode in my life i had pretty much given up on most of life and wanted nothing more than to just tell the world to piss off and find a place that i could at least be self-sufficient to the point that i would not need to rely on any one or thing. I had gone to the point of staying in my house basement and helping others and working as i could from my computer. And just when i give up all hope here come one last person to stir the pot to the point of a complete reset of life and thought.... Gotta say never seen that one coming... But sure glad for the support and help and am glad to be able to give it back... This is about how I pictured it all working out, Snowdove finds that she can be as thankful for the love and support as I am and sees the need and want that is there and embraces it fully. Takes all the emotional baggage that comes with it and uses it to make things better as opposed to a tool to drive us apart...
what would u do?
P.S. This post is over a week in the making and i have been told that i wright with the grace of a barbarian with an axe so please forgive my honesty and bluntness... If anyone ever had this whole story i cant help but think it would make an awesome book... OH and welcome to the true land of confusion! Buckle up its gonna be a fun ride!
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