Dad Knows...

     I had an idea of what to expect with my dad... It could go a few directions. Either he already knew from some of the things that have been going around as rumors... or he didn't know and it was going to be a shocker to him...
     It was a shocker...
     We all went in to the restaurant. The three of us and my dad. It was weird. There was quite a few silences and I am sure that it was awkward for everybody... In my head I was thinking of some way to talk to him. My mind was going 1000 miles a second trying to come up with something to say. To tell him about us while sounding confident (which I wasn't). My head was spinning so fast that I honestly thought that I would pass out. My stomach hurt and I was also planning the fastest route out of the restaurant to the nearest bush... My head was hurting so bad... But my heart hurt even more. Why couldn't I just tell him? Why was this so hard? He is my dad! He isn't going to walk away from me!
     How do I tell the man that raised me and Loved me no matter what that I was not planning on following the steps that he wanted me to follow? How do I tell this man that raised me that I was together with another man that happened to be almost a year older then him? How do I tell him that this man that I am in Love with is also married and has 3 children? How do I introduce Polygamy to him while still sounding like I knew what I was talking about. I didn't. I really didn't know what I was talking about. I really didn't want to be there in that moment.
     When I am stressed or overwhelmed I always say that I would like to dig a hole, lay in it and cover myself with as many blankets as possible until I finally fell asleep only to wake up a few years later when everything has blown over.

     We went in together... Started the conversation together... we told him together... but before he really started talking, he asked Dove and Prince to leave. The first thing he asked was if I was pregnant... That seems to be his go-to question when I do something to upset him...
     He warned me that I would loose most of my family. This I know... but having it confirmed by my dad hurt me even more. I have already lost a lot of my family just be being here... I still don't understand the reason behind that.
     He kept saying that he "gets it". But with how many times he had said that... I think that he was just trying to talk himself in to it... Try to get himself to recognize reality from drewm... Or hoping that I would drop everything and come 'home' with him by saying it so many times...
     We use analogies to help explain things... it is common between us... to explain why I had not told him before now... I used the snalogy of If I was buying Africa, and I came to him and told him that I was going to... I would look like a fool. I don't know how to buy Africa, I don't know anything about the country, and I certainly don't have the funds... His reply was that he would have wanted me to ask him what I thought about buying Africa. If he thought that it was even possible... And he is right... I was just afraid of the followup questions. I was afraid that he would ask more questions as to why I was asking about Polygamy in the first place. I needed to have more control before I started in on the questions. I still don't feel like I have complete control of the situation... But I also don't think that I ever will...
     Another analogy that he used was drugs... This I did not appreciate. But I didn't know how to correct him. He said that if I were to come to him and say that I was addicted to Heroine... And I asked him to drive me to town to get me more drugs, he would have a problem with supporting that but he would help me to overcome my addiction and love me through it all... Kind of like he has a problem with supporting this relationship.
      I realize that it has been quite a while since I was supposed to post this, but a lot has been going on... We are moving, and currently camping with nowhere else to go but back to camp. I will update soon!

Fresh Wounds

     For the few of you that are waiting for my reply on what happened with my dad... I told him. It went okay. He has not disowned me. But he is also not sure what to do next... A full explanation is on its way. I just can't manage it emotionally right now...

Telling Daddy... Before Thoughts

5/1/14 1:44pm
     An email was sent to my dad about 10 minutes ago. It said simply that me, Prince, and Dove would like to have coffee with him... He can bring his wife (my step-mother) if he wants...
     I decided that I want to do it with all of us there. But start out by saying that we aren't trying to gang up on him. But I don't know how to answer some questions and it would be easier for even him if Prince and Dove were there to answer questions as well...
     I feel like I have skipped the butterflies of nerves and gone strait to the humming birds with spiky beaks. He has not yet come to an answer yet if he can or can't. But I am very afraid that he will see me differently and not in a good way.
     More to come in the same post so keep an updating view!

5/1/14 2:11pm
     Dad sent an email back asking the subject... Not wanting to reply too much information via email, I told him that it had to do with 'Relationships and Futures. Mainly with Prince and Dove. And a project that we have been working on'. Relationships referring to my relationship with Prince and Dove as well as my relationship with my dad. Futures suggesting that our future relationships as well as our futures in general. The project meaning the Blog, but I am not sure if I am going to let him read it... yet anyways... I am just worried about the content and how I want him to view is oldest daughter...

5/1/14 5:09pm
     We meet my dad in 11 minutes at the local cafe... Nerves are setting in... I feel like I am just about to go on stage with my pants dropped and a toilet plunger on my head... How do I do this? What do I say? What if he thinks that we have been lying to him for months?? What if he changes his mind about Prince? What if... What if... What if... I'm killin myself here guys! Stressing myself right in to an early grave!