Potentially Great

     The other night I was given a choice; I could either stay upstairs and wait for Prince and SnowDove to come back up, or I could join them downstairs. I chose the one that I thought would help our relationship the most; I went downstairs with them. But I was wrong.
     Prince laid down in bed, like he was getting ready to sleep. I crawled in beside him and Dove was getting ready to climb in beside him on the other side. He turned towards me, I think because I was giving him more attention and because he was more comfortable on his right side at the time, immediately I felt a strong feeling from Dove. The look on her face was... well its indescribable. For a second she looked like she was going to scream at him for turning away from her. Then the look was gone and it turned into something that said more-or-less that she didn't give a shit. Dove climbed in beside him anyway and I decided to ignore the previous looks and act as if I didn't see a thing. I did this because she needed to work on being more assertive rather then passive aggressive. She didn't say a thing. In fact, she didn't do anything either. She laid there while I tried to overlook how completely uncomfortable I was and make Prince happy. Until I gave up. I would just go upstairs and forget about them for a while. Whatever.
     20 minutes later, I was asked to come back down. Very calmly, very respectfully, I told them why I was annoyed;
     1) I was asked to choose between staying upstairs and following them down. I chose the wrong one apparently. 2) Dove got way too upset all because Prince didn't see her going in for a kiss. Yeah, I could see how that would annoy her, it would definitely annoy me. But even after we have told her how to deal with this kind of thing, over and over again, she still couldn't figure it out. All she had to do was either ask for a kiss or follow him over. 3) It felt to me that she was looking for a reason to be mad considering she couldn't be mad that I chose to come downstairs with them. After all, she did give me a choice. 5) Because she had a hard time rapping her head around the reasons for him turning over (because it was more comfortable position for his body; because I was quicker to give him attention) she stopped a potentially great night for all 3 of us and took for herself, quite willingly, I might add. 4) We have gone over this kind of thing, time and time again and yet she still doesn't learn.
     You really have no idea how frustrating this is for me. You can introduce a new concept to me and I will either understand it or ask more questions so that I can understand it. This doesn't seem to be the case with Dove. I feel like it's more 'tell me once now, so you can repeat it throughout the next couple of months until I understand it'. Now, I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm simply stating what I see and feel. If it's going to be taken wrong, then go ahead and forget I said anything. My point here, is that I'm tired of repeating the same thing over and over again. Prince has the patience for this, but I really don't.

Tough Love

     Dove is crying right now. I'm not sure what to do. I'm sitting at the computer and wondering if I should go hold her like Prince is right now. The only thing that is keeping me seated is her words not too long ago.
     Prince and Dove were messaging back and forth over Facebook and he wanted me to read what she was writing. So I did. And I wasn't happy with what she said at all. She has apparently been thinking that she needs to "let [Prince] go", that she needs to leave him. My thoughts are, "really? After all of that work, she wants to just leave. She isn't willing to actually learn anything and we just wasted 3 months of our lives". I'm not sure what to say to Prince. I'm getting worked up, I'm really not happy with what she has to say. "How dare she think that she can't work on herself? How dare she think that she needs to give up because we haven't apparently been there for her!" She stated that we weren't there to catch her when she fell. That we haven't given her enough chances. We are offering another chance at this fucking moment! Are you fucking kidding me!
     The reason that I don't go to her now, as she cries on Prince's shoulder and apologizes, yet again, is because I don't believe her. She does this way too often. The difference between a truly sorry person and someone who doesn't give a shit, is if they do the thing that they apologize for a second time or a third time, or even an eighth time. I'm getting annoyed with having to accept the same apology over and over again. If she thinks that I'll be there for her after she clearly stated that she didn't think that either of us were here to catch her... She is dead fucking wrong. For the record, this is all coming out much more in my writing then in my actions or words.
     I admire Prince for his actions though. He is calm, logical, and most of all, Loving when it comes to his wife. I'm not sure that that is what she needs now. 

Dove's Week Off: 7 Day Journal

     The reason of writing this 7 day journal is because this is the week that SnowDove has off of work so she will be home every day all day. Our goal this week is to work through any more lingering jealousy and insecurities that we may have. 

Day 1; Monday

     Today went great! I started my monthly cycle today, but Prince has told me that it doesn't bother him; that he would like to try doing a couple things with me. This meant a lot to me, but I expressed that I wasn't sure if I was quite comfortable with that and he has honored my requests to shoot for Alone Time without SnowDove being there. I'd rather try something that makes me that uncomfortable with just him first, seeing as I trust him a bit more. More on that later I guess... Because I know that isn't the only reason why I'm not wanting to experience that with both Prince and Dove.... 

     Prince and Dove went downstairs and got alone time while I sat upstairs and watched a movie. No big deal, I'm okay with that. For now. But I didn't get any time... I'm hoping that it's just because Prince wanted to play games with his boys, which I really have no problem with. By the time they were done playing games, it was too late to ask for anything and we all fell asleep. At this point, I'm feeling just a little bit left out. Like her "needs" are more important. But I'm practicing patience, so I tell myself that I'm okay, pull out my book, and I'm soon asleep with the rest of the house. 

Day 2; Tuesday

     I'm feeling really irritable today. It's all I can do not to chew out every person that does even the littlest thing to annoy me... I believe that I am so irritable because of a hormone imbalance, and I tried to keep that in mind the whole day, and being sexually frustrated almost to the point of tears. Again I blame Hormonal Imbalance... 

     A series of events led to another emotional outburst from me.... Lucky, though, that I was asked to go into town with Dove. At first I denied, then I was persuaded. Even now, I still feel like I was manipulated emotionally to go into town with Dove. I want to blame Hormonal Imbalance... 

     I finally spilled my guts to Prince over text and told him exactly what had happened and why I thought I was feeling the way that I was. He understood and we are working on my issues together. 

     When we had gotten home, Dove was upset that Prince hadn't been texting her the whole time like he {supposedly} had been texting me. In reality, I had been messaging another one of my friends. "Assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups" is one of the many things that Prince says. Dove went downstairs and he followed. I'm not sure what posessed me to follow but when I walked in I saw Dove, leaning against Prince, with her pants down, his hand between her legs. She let out one last moan and told him that I was standing in the doorway. I felt uncomfortable. Like I was walking in on something. I wasn't sure if I should walk up to them or if I should let them have more time. I know now that I shouldn't have felt that, and I should have felt welcome to join in their fun. But I felt bitter. It was my turn to be made happy and she was taking it. Immediately after this thought crossed my mind, I was shocked. Was this really what I felt like? Was this really how I wanted to look at this moment? Or was I just being a bitch? I decided that she didn't deserved the feelings that I was having, it was fun for her, fun for him, and that's what matters most. I chose to overlook these irrational feelings of doubt and anger and chose to focus on the good in the situation. I was very happy with my choice. 

     We finished dinner and were just settling in to relax when Prince tells me that he is going to go down with Dove for about 20 minutes to try to put a smile on her face. First thought, "Uhm, okay, whatever you want... I guess". Second though, "She will make him happy and I know that I will get rewarded in the end. Albeit, alone time or Alone Time". 

    I didn't get any alone time. Sexual or not. I got a rude response from SnowDove. It felt to me like she was trying to plan out out time together. That Prince and I couldn't try anything new at all. She didn't want us to be in the shower, she wanted us to be on the bed with a towel under my ass to catch any mess from my cycle. I tried expressing politely to her that I wasn't comfortable with being on the bed and she starts getting frustrated, frustration turned to anger, which turned to me leaving the room. I went to sit in my car for roughly 15 minutes before Dove came out to talk to me. She was still irritable and I'm not okay with that. She has a tendency to do stupid and hurtful things when she isn't in control of her emotions. I was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. When I expressed that I didn't want her to be that close or that I needed to step out for a second (I was sitting in my driver side of my car with the door open and she was blocking my way) she said no, that I couldn't move and that she wanted to talk to me. My chest got tight and my breathing quickened. I was to the point of fearful tears. She wants me to trust her, yet she can't give me the space that I clearly state that I need. I couldn't hear her after that. I was shaking, I wasn't okay! When she finally backed off, I told her that I wasn't going to follow her instructions and I wasn't going to put up with being told how Prince and I need to spend our Alone Time. She told me that we don't get any Alone Time or alone time then. I followed her into the house, grabbed my purse and was ready to leave. 

     I made Prince promise me that if I ever wanted to leave, that he would do his best to try to persuade me to stay, but he wouldn't stop me. He yelled after me to stop as I headed out the front door, I turned around to see him coming closer. And he reminded me of that promise. I hugged him tightly, meaning for it to be our last hug, but I couldn't let go. His heart beat loudly in my ears and I melted. It felt like my eyes couldn't let go of the tears fast enough. A couple minutes were spent like this when he finally suggested that he and I go downstairs to talk about what had happened. I agreed. 

     I went downstairs and he followed suit. My insides were turning and my chest hurt worse then before. It was getting hard to breath. When he walked in behind me, I hugged him. And that was it. That was the last of the alone conversation with him. Dove walked in right after him. Thanks for that. 

     My blood pressure was rising, my emotions were high, but my intelligence was low... I was furious. I didn't want her to touch me, I didn't want to listen to her. She wasn't being fair at all. Why should I listen to her? Why was I putting up with this shit? What gives her the right to talk to me the way that she did? 

     We talked. Or rather, I listened to Prince and Dove talk. I said little to no words at all.

     My mind was already made up, no matter what, I wasn't going to sleep in the same bed as her. But I couldn't decide if it was going to be their couch or my bed at my grandfathers. But if I went to my grandfathers, I wasn't coming back. But every time I thought about leaving Prince, my chest got tighter and my throat closed up. I spent time upstairs with Prince, just writing. He was working on his post (yes it will be up soon) while I was working on mine. I had my blankets and such with me, ready to go to sleep on the couch if I so wished. 

     Prince went downstairs. I wasn't sure what I should do. Do I follow? What if I start yelling at her? What if I couldn't control my own emotions? What if I burn my bridge? What if, what if, what if???

     I ended up following anyway. Quaking in my slippers, I tried to stay out of Doves line of sight. If you could explain that one to me, that would be terrific because I have no idea why I didn't want to be seen by her. I was too angry to think things through. I didn't know how to act out my frustrations appropriately and that just made things worse. I followed Prince upstairs for a glass of water and to try to express what I was feeling. 

     He told me what he felt and why he did things the way that he does. His definition of family isn't blood relation. It's emotional bonds. And that really got to me. I felt like he was family in that moment. And the last thing that I wanted to do was cut out his wife. 

     His wife... Her husband... Sometimes those titles bother me. But only because of the way it can be used. The way that it is used. Because she is his first wife and his only wife, she automatically has more privileges then me. Equality can't be reached when that title is used in such a way. So I asked Prince for the same consideration; the same privileges. One of those privileges is being able to say no to the others Alone Time. Keep in mind, I want to squish this privilege completely. To where nobody has it. But in order to do that, I need her to see what it's doing to me.  

Day 3; Wednesday

     I woke up this morning, not sure what I was walking in to. What did they do while I was asleep? I had expressed to Prince last night, that I wanted to be able to say no to her. I wanted to give her "a taste of her own medicine" so to speak. We talk about wanting equality, but she has the ability to say no to my Alone Time, yet I have nothing compared to those privileges. They don't ask me anymore. They just tell me that they are going downstairs and that's that. No extra thought or consideration. But when it's him and I, all hell breaks loose when I want time.

     I asked Prince what they had done this morning and he said that all it was, was a blow job. I have my reserves about what he is saying, but I give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that he has not lied to me once. Nor does he have a reason to lie to me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but when I say that I wanted to be able to say no to Dove, I meant just Dove. Prince was free to ask for any of his own pleasure, just so long as I still got my point across with Dove. 

     When I'm on my cycle, I need to be clean. Sometimes my body disgusts me so much, that I want to change sexes. I just don't think that I could handle being a man, so I opted out of that idea. But it doesn't change the gross feeling during this time of month. So in order to feel even remotely clean, I need to take a shower morning and night. A rinse off in the morning and a full shower at night. I believe that it is due to a slight case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Of course, other people need to shower as well so when Dove said that she wanted to take a shower first, it was okay by me. I just didn't want Prince to go down with her. I expressed this to him and he kindly agreed. Going in to the bathroom, strictly just to help her wash her back. 

     I got to shower next. There was no planning, but Prince had told Dove that he wanted her to stay on the bed for a few minutes while he came in to wash my back. The bathroom doesn't have a door on it, just a curtain. From the bedroom, you can hear anything and everything that's going on in the shower. But from the shower, you can't even hear the bedroom door close. So within 3 minutes of Prince stepping in the shower with me, we heard the door slam shut. We held still, listening for more signs of her throwing something or stomping around. Sure enough, we heard stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp above us as Dove walked across the living room floor. The water pressure went down, like someone had flushed the toilet, and we heard some more stomp, stomp, stomp, stomping. Something wasn't adding up. A person couldn't even get their pants down in the time that it took Dove to stomp to the toilet and back. My theory is that she peaked in or even just heard Prince step into the shower with me (no other intention then to wash my back and give me a chance to hug him without worry) and got upset enough to flush the toilet and show that she was upset. How many times has Prince stepped into the shower with Dove? Too many to count. How many times has Prince felt comfortable enough to come wash my back with her in the house? Only once. I hope you, as readers, can see my frustration in this. She is jealous of a lot of things, rightfully so, but she is also jealous of the things that she doesn't have a right to be upset about. She doesn't have a good enough reason to be upset about. 

     I got to shower with Prince. But it didn't go as expected, again. This shower, after the incident this morning, was meant for pleasure and ecstasy. But it was pleasurable, but not completely fulfilling... I left the lights in the bathroom off, two candles sat above the shower, kitty corner to each other. It wasn't because of ambiance, it was because I didn't want that much light, I wanted the darkness. I wanted to not be able to see the colours of the water. Nothing really worked out, but we didn't really have that much time either. Prince wanted to keep it short. As short as 15 minutes. Under normal circumstances, 15 minutes wouldn't be enough, and he knew that. But because we were both concerned about what Dove's reaction was going to be, 15 minutes was almost too long. Part of the reason it wasn't as great as it could have been was because I felt rushed. I felt under pressure. And that wasn't fair to me.

Day 4; Thursday 

     Today, 17 years ago, Prince and SnowDove walked themselves down to the city hall and signed the documents required by law to be considered married... 

     No white satin or egg shell lace... No big bouquet of red roses... No fancy dinner party...
     I admire Dove for being able to look past the societal tradition of a big white wedding with a white dress and expensive decorations... In a way, she has taught me something; An Anniversary isn't about remembering the pretty perks of The Big Day and how much fun the after party was... it's about remembering the Love that made them want to get married in the first place. It's about remembering all of those times that they felt Loved and how much they Love one another. It was never about how long the train of her dress was or that the flowers were perfectly fresh... Although, I'm not sure that I would forgive myself for giving that up. I'm a cliche, in the sense that I have been planning my wedding since I was eight. I don't think that I could go without the societal traditions.

     Our day started as usual, boys off to school and all... I woke up last... again...
     I came upstairs happy and I've been happy all day. Not at all mad, jealous, frustrated... nothing but HAPPY! I thought I would have had a few issues at least considering its been 5 days since I've had any Alone Time with Prince... but I surprised myself! I guess I Love them more then I wish for my own Needs to be fulfilled....
     The plan was to go to the city, which is about an hour and fifteen minutes away. But considering it was snowing this morning, they decided that they didn't want to risk the roads so they would go to town instead. My plan was to send them off with Love and Good Wishes and stay home so they could have alone time on their anniversary. But both Prince and Dove willed me to go. So I did. And I chaperoned them in my classic car and drove them wherever they wanted to go. 

     We went to breakfast and did a couple errands and came on back home. Dove wasn't feeling well and she felt like she was taking something from Prince for being sick. We explained that it wasn't anything that she did on purpose, and we could do more the next day. A couple hours later, she came back upstairs and was feeling much better. They went to dinner and had a fancy meal while I "baby"sat the boys at home. When they got home, Dove noticed something on Prince's back that looked a lot like hives. She spent the next hour looking for his epipen. That really concerns me. We need to have it on hand in case of an emergency. But with so many moves in the past couple of years, it must have gotten lost in one of the boxes. 

     Prince started to look better, it wasn't a bad case of hives, but we think it was because of the wine. He ended up falling asleep on the couch, he needed the rest. When Dove woke him up to get ready to go downstairs, he was groggy, barely able to keep his eyes open. And that upset her. She wasn't going to get any Alone Time tonight, and it had really pissed her off. I couldn't decide between getting upset and yelling or just laughing my ass off. She had just been sick earlier today and she wasn't allowing Prince to be sick. In fact she was angry that he was sick. I decided to shut my mouth and wait it out. I mean to talk to her about it in the morning.

Day 5; Friday 

      Seeing as it has been 6 days since the teasing started, and I wasn't aloud to ask for Alone Time, Dove and Prince decided to try something as a group. But we had to go to the city this morning and again I felt rushed and under pressure. So I stopped them and we went about our day.

      We went to the city for bulk groceries and made a pit stop at the local go kart track. When Prince made the decision to have fun on the track. I felt a lot of pent up anger radiating from Dove, but she didn't say anything. I was wondering how long it was going to take her to voice her opinion. It wasn't until we were almost to the go karts that she finally told us what was on her mind. Prince explained that he didn't get to do fun things like that because the boys were always in trouble. And she ended up agreeing and dropping the subject. Dove couldn't go because she was claustrophobic and couldn't keep the helmet on. So it was just me and Prince. I had a blast. It was definitely an experience to be remembered. At first I was unsure of my driving skills but as time went on, it got better and better, and I was able to at least keep up with Prince. A very good experience. Until it was over. We went back to Dove, who was waiting for us in the lounge that overlooked the track. She was hurt. I'm still not clear on why she was hurt but my best guess was that she couldn't go, but we went anyway. Either way, it put a very large damper on my very good memory. I'm having a very hard time with that actually. I'm not sure what to think. All I really know is that I'm hurt that she wouldn't even try. She put a helmet on, that was it. She didn't even attempt to sit in the go kart, but it's whatever I guess. I just don't want to keep having this feeling that she isn't satisfied with him and I being happy doing something without her. 

     It's been 6 days since I've been fully satisfied. Teased all to hell ever day since. And I haven't had an ounce of alone time or Alone Time. Yesterday was their anniversary. Prince ended up feeling very sickly towards the end of the night and Dove didn't get any Alone Time. I can respect that they deserve at least the little bit that I can give them but damn it, I'm being overlooked again. What am I supposed to do? I've expressed this to Prince already. I'm not comfortable with talking to Dove about it. I still can't get over the whole husband-and-wife thing. I can't just go up to a woman and basically ask to screw her husband. It just feels wrong to me even though Prince has said time and time again that... Well... Come to think of it... He hasn't really said anything. He does frequently say that he tried to give equal attention to both of his women, but I don't think that that is what I want. What do I want...? I want happy. And this isn't happy. 

     It's not that I mad about not being satisfied, it's that I haven't been important enough. I think. I mean, I'm a woman, I've been one all my life, I can take care of myself. It's not that he won't give me the kind of attention that I want, it's that it's such a hard thing to ask that my needs are met as well. Ugh, I don't know what to think anymore. She isn't ready for this. I don't think he is either. Maybe karma has finally caught up to me, I've done all that I can to help this family, now it's time for me to move on. 

     Am I being ungrateful? Am I asking too much? Am I wrong? Is there anybody who can tell me that I'm wrong? I'm feeling more then a little hurt. Does he just want emotional and physical benefits from me only when he feels like he wants them??? It just doesn't seem fair at all. 

     These are the kinds of thoughts that I've been wrestling with all week. How does a person sleep after something like this? I feel like crawling into a ball and staying there for a while. Just to see if I get more of my needs met that way. How do they expect me to react? I mean, right now, as I type this, they are downstairs enjoying each other. And I'm upstairs. Again. Does Dove care about my needs at all? Does Prince? How do I express myself so I get the full point across respectfully and 

Day 6; Saturday

     I reread my entry last night... I'm wasn't sure if I should post it or not. It's venomous... Angry... And unfair. But I decided that it could possibly be helpful. This is what this blog is about, for us to share our feelings and emotions with the world and let you guys, as readers, benefit from our findings. Stay tuned for the next conversation. 

     I was very pleased with our conversion tonight. Prince was falling asleep quickly so me and Dove got a chance to chat a little. Nothing was resolved, per say, but I feel like I was understood and I feel like Dove was understood. I have a new outlook on our situation and relationship. I had developed a sort of jealousy when Prince and Dove were alone and I kept getting myself deeper into that. But when I saw the reaction that Dove had when I told her a few things, I recognized my own feelings from before in her eyes... I instantly felt bad for the feelings that I had, and the emotions that I was showing. In this situation, I have found that putting myself into anothers shoes is really what is helping me. Another thing that has been helping me, is watching Gabriel Iglasias, or Ron White on Youtube to try to lift my spirits when I start to feel alone when they are downstairs. It has helped.

Day 7; Sunday

     Dove almost had to force Prince and I downstairs. He would go upstairs every so often to do something or another; Check the car battery (we were having issues with the car); check on dinner; a loud bang. And when he came back downstairs he looked concerned. When I had asked him why, he told me that Dove was upset that he wasn't paying full attention to me. That made me think... But I'm not sure what to think... kinda funny, kinda weird that she would have that kind of reaction to him coming upstairs. I remember my reaction to a couple times that Prince had come upstairs from being with Dove and went right back down, it wasn't good. I felt like Prince was downsizing Dove's reaction, but who am I to assume? Benefit of the doubt and all...

Summary

     This week started out slow, and annoying. But by the end of the week, I started to feel like we were getting somewhere. Now, being Tuesday, I feel guilty for not posting this on Monday but I also feel like we made much more progress then ever before. I'm happy with the results thus far.

     On Day 1, I had created a Facebook account and was talking to a couple people on a few different Polygamy groups. I wanted to thank the few people who were willing to talk to me. You all helped me so very much! Feel free to look me up! red.crawford.3

Pre-Midnight Post

     The sound of his light snoring bounces between me and SnowDove, echoing slightly...
     Most women would find snoring as annoying or irritating... where I find it endearing. He doesn't pretend to be a chainsaw, nor a lion or cougar... He is at rest. The temptation of joining him is greater when he snores. Though, as you can tell, the temptation of showing my inspiration was greater tonight... Its not often that we get to hear such a sound... Oh, but I do Love it. It reminds me of my time at my grandparents house, sitting right about the dam. My grandfather snoring up a storm from the other room. Now all I need is the sound of the dam...
     Don't let the small things slip through your fingers. They may not always be there... I try desperately to make sure that I don't take anything for granted... I do my best not to let them slip through my fingers either...
    
     Now, if you will excuse me, my Prince is calling me. Almost literally... Goodnight.

Feeling... Off...

     A usual morning in the Crawford house;

          Morning Option A;

     -SnowDove has an early morning; she has to be at work by 6 or 8am depending on scheduling.
     -Prince will always get up with her to see her off to work.
     -If I happen to wake up enough to realize that I should get up with them, then I will. Otherwise I will vaguely remember Prince's SmartAss comments about me being able to sleep through a nuclear war when I do actually wake up. 
     -Prince will send Dove off with good thoughts and good feelings if  at all possible then start getting the boys up. After the boys leave, he will come join me downstairs and wake me up.

          Morning Options B;

     -Dove doesn't work until noon or she has the day off
     -Prince and Dove get up around the same time, or one after another, I'm usually the last one to get up... but I usually read in bed for an hour or two depending on the events of the day so it makes sense that I sleep in longer... I hope...
     -Dove or Prince will come downstairs a couple of times to try to wake me up, but I usually end up falling back to sleep.**
     -I will get up when I figure that I've slept too long and go directly to kiss my Prince...

     This morning with Prince was... different. To say the least.

     SnowDove went to work this morning around 6am and Prince got the boys up for school. He comes downstairs to wake me up early though... the first thought I had when he told me that the boys hadn't left yet was is he ok? He doesn't usually wake me up early... I felt for a fever but he felt normal to me... Tom, his middle son, had asked Prince to get me so I could touch up his hair before he left for school... I had a hard time not laughing... But Prince thought it was endearing that Tom would ask for me. I still thought it was a bit weird that he would wake me up early... but I decided, for the moment, that I was looking to far into his actions. I went upstairs to fix Tom's hair then kissed Prince and went back downstairs. I asked Prince to get me just as soon as the boys were gone. And he did. But there was still something different.
     My favourite way to wake up... Prince holding me, kissing me, until I wake up just enough to put more into my kisses... trying, barely successfully, to keep my morning breathe away from his nose... How do I express exactly what I felt this morning... Something weird... Something...... I don't know. But whatever it was, it wasn't good... It put a damper on my morning.

Morning... Chores?

     I finished my online classes quickly and didn't know what to do with myself afterword. I'm usually not that fast, but it was simple work. Usually, I have that "accomplished" feeling after I finish my classes for the day. Today, though, I really didn't. In fact, I felt kinda funny. I still do. All day, Prince has been acting funny. Almost like he is ready to bolt at any time, even from me. 
     I don't usually do chores. In fact, I hate cleaning unless I need to focus on some thoughts. Like this morning. So I grabbed the broom and dustpan and began sweeping the living room. I soon got overwhelmed with all that needed to be done, and cleaning lost its one purpose for me today. So I sat. Until finally it was time for me to make lunch. I heated some leftovers for Prince (not a very good job) and make some Macaroni and Cheese for me and our guest (really not a good job). Like I said, I've been feeling off all day.



(**yes I realize that my sleeping habits aren't the best. But its better then what i used to do at my grandfathers less then 6 months before... staying up until 6am then sleeping until 9pm... So I'd say that I'm making progress...)

Alone Time; Dismissed.

     Dove doesn't want me and Prince to have Alone Time with her in the house anymore. But the only time that she can get alone time with him is when I'm here... I've been thinking of other ways to solve this problem... and one solution is for me to leave and come back only when I have the gas money. But then she gets more time. Another solution is for Prince to get a job and another house for me to stay at so we can avoid the issues that Dove and I have. But that is a waist of resources and I have quite a few issues with that solution... Maybe Time Cards? HELL NO!!!!!! haha.
     I understand that I have a long time with Prince alone, especially because I don't have a job, and she does. The boys are at school all day and I have the house with just Prince... The timing isn't fair. I know this. But what else is there to do? We really need suggestions. I feel it really isn't fair that, because of my time with him, I no longer have the privilege to ask for Alone Time with him. It really bothers me that Dove still can, but she can tell me that I can't...
     Am I expecting too much? Is it just too early in the relationship to ask for that much Equality? How do I know if anything is Right or Wrong? There isn't really anybody to help us as a group... And if it is just too soon, then how do I deal with irrational emotions. I'm not okay with this as I stand. But I know that neither of them are okay with a lot of things that are going on.
     I know that it would help me to have somebody else to talk to... Someone other then Dove or Prince...
    
     I turn to lists when I can, I think that I really need to make a fucking list again... Not looking forward to the list-making process...

A Lovely Night Gone Awry

     I was recently told of my ex boyfriends new girlfriend. I'm not sure why I'm letting this news effect me as much as it did, but it was. And I was feeling not-so-great about it. My mood was down and I just realized that there was no going back, even if I wanted to. I realized that this Change in Lifestyle was my Choice. By Choice. The events that transpired after this news, still rack me from head to toe.

Pure Love

     I was feeling like I just needed time. Alone. So, I went downstairs Alone and sat in our dark room. Just thinking. And SnowDove walks in...
     "No lights," is all I have to say and she is kneeling in front of me trying to console me in whatever it is that I'm upset about.
     How do I express what I'm feeling, how do I express what I am trying not to feel. How the hell do I stop feeling it? Upset, Low, Weak, The-Lowest-Of-The-Low.
     Dove sat there with me while I wrestled with these feelings until I reminded her of dinner. It took a bit to get her to go eat, but I told her that I still wanted her down with me, just as soon as she had dinner. Prince had been upstairs still, getting his boys food and eating himself. Not long after I was left alone, both Dove and Prince came back downstairs to sit in the dark with me. It warmed my heart to see both of them walking around in their dark room, tripping over clothes and dogs, just to mollify me...
     I wasn't sure what to say when Dove put her head on my hand, she looked uncomfortable. She felt uncomfortable physically, like she was trying hard just to stay in one place. Her head was cocked to one side and she looked strained. But she didn't move, so I asked her if she was comfortable and attempted to move. But Prince stopped me...
     "She is doing it out of Love, my Dear. She is just trying to be there for you." This caused me to stop and think. And cry again. The Love that I felt poring out of her soul was incredible.

     Prince and Dove sent me to the shower, which was what I needed.  I wasn't okay... I didn't think that I could be... But just before I left for the shower, Prince made the comment of "taking care of other duties". By "other duties" he means husbandry duties towards his wife. This wasn't what I wanted to hear. On most occasions, I really don't mind being told, as long as I have a distraction. But that night, it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. It really bothered me that he felt the need to tell me. I really didn't mind that they did, it was just that at that moment in time, I didn't want to know. But instead of telling him then, I let it be; I needed to get away. To be able to let my emotions run down the drain with my body wash... It felt good. The single lit candle lighting the thick steam around the bathroom... It felt relaxing. And I melted.
     A bit after I had gotten everything clean, I stayed in the shower, partly because I wanted to give Dove and Prince more time, and partly because it felt good to just stand under the hot water, letting the hot, moist air fill my lungs... Soon after, Dove came in and told me that he wouldn't be able to be fully satisfied tonight because of his Meds. She told me this because it was my week to be careful, unless of course I would like to get pregnant. I had told her that I wasn't sure that I was in the mood to play. I just felt like cuddling. She left to let me alone and get me a towel (which I always forget).

      Alone Time... (The Sequel)

     Just before Dove left to give me and Prince some time alone, I got a vibe. Not weird, not odd, but bad... Her whole demeanour changed. She had only been concerned when she asked me if I still needed my time with her. It just happened that I really needed time with Prince. I thought that since the first time I wanted alone time, she had gained a bit more respect for the simple fact that I also needed time. That I needed to have that same feeling... Especially because of the feelings that I was having because of my new found information on my Ex.  

      Making Love

     When we felt comfortable with Dove's feelings about him and I being alone, we talked again. I really wasn't in the mood for much... just cuddling. Just being together. Just being with him. He kept kissing me... all over. Up and down. He was driving my crazy. Insane with want. I had asked him to stop, asked him to just lay down, but he knows that I really didn't want him to stop... He knows that little tint in my voice when I'm just saying words just to say something... anything. My heart started pounding when he got closer... and closer... and closer still... Until, if he got any closer, he would have crushed me. I loved it. I loved that he didn't stop, I loved that I didn't want him to.
     This was it. This was Love. This is what it felt like to be truly Loved by someone. The tingling whenever I touched him, the warmth of his body against mine. Our breathing heavy. Our hearts full... 
     There is no sex between him and I. That word is no longer in my vocabulary. It has become a "bad-word" when describing what I experience with Prince.

          Dictionary.com

     Dictionary.com defines Make Love; A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment of deep affection. Sexual passion or desire. A person toward whom love is felt; Beloved person; Sweetheart.
     Dictionary.com defines Sex; Either the male of female division of a species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions. The sum of the structural and functional differences by which the male and female are distinguished, or the phenomena or behaviour dependent on these differences. The instinct or attraction drawing one sex toward another, or its manifestation in life and conduct. Coitus. Genitalia. To have sex is to engage in sexual intercourse.

     The definition of Making Love suits Shane and I much more then a person would think... Much more than I could have ever imagined. I'm very proud to say that my experience and relationship with Prince is much better then anybody I have ever met solely for the reason of Love.

     SnowDove 

     Prince and I were laying on the bed still, and I heard his watch go off, marking the beginning of another hour. I thought back to the last time I heard that and immediatly picked up my phone. Crap. I didn't set the alarm. What time was it when Dove went upstairs? Hoping against hope that we didn't go over a hour, I sent her a quick text telling her to join us as soon as the timer went off upstairs. Then I set the phone down and went back to putting my full attention back to Prince.
     I had climbed on top of him, just to be closer, my robe falling open against his bare chest, his pants warm against our skin... He started to playfully tease me again, rubbing and wiggling just so...  And we talked. About the first thing that came to mind. Whatever it was, it wasn't that important.
     Around that time, Dove walked in. I finished my thought with Prince before I looked up... I knew exactly what I would see. The anger in her eyes was so fierce that I almost walked away right then and there. All of my Happy was gone again. I was not looking forward to the next hour or two.
 
*The next few paragraphs are low on memory, high emotion and lack of emotion are the causes of my memory loss at this point.

     Dove was Angry. With a capital A. How does a person calm down after they reach the point of anger? Especially with this much Anger.... I remember her telling me that she sent me a reply over text. Three texts to be exact...

[The timer] went off 30 mins ago.

I don't want to [come downstairs].

But I will.

     I showed these messages to Prince, thinking that he might be able to make more sense of 'why' then I could. But when I showed them to him, she ripped the pillow off the bed that was half under his head. The word 'run' comes to mind. What was I thinking? Coming downstairs with Prince was a bad idea.

     Physical Memories

     Somehow, Prince got Dove calmed down enough to lay on the bed with us. In doing so, she elbowed Prince hard. Hard enough to make him get off the bed. I counted to 5 slowly, waiting for an apology or recognition of an accident. There was none. This upset me quite a bit actually. I remember my mother and father laying on their bed with me, watching a To be able to let my emotions run down the drain with my body wash...movie on the flat screen. My mother had done something to cause my father pain in some way and all she did was laugh. My father ended up sleeping on the couch because of a failed apology from my mother.** This brought back a flood of emotions. Everything inside me was telling me that I needed to get away from Dove. Just like I got away from my mother. She pulled me in for a hug and I held my breathe and tried to calm down. Looking into Prince's eyes, I could see honest concern and Love. For both of us. Somehow, that look had centred me and I began to Breath again.
     After some more tears and sniffles from her, she was finally calm enough talk again. I went to use the restroom and when I got back, she was sitting on the bed looking up at Prince. I sat down beside her and she took my hand. (Note; I still haven't heard an apology from Dove to Prince for hurting him) 

     **My parents got a divorce while I was in Middle School; Part of my anger towards her had gotten out of hand one night. I said something that was not okay and she reacted physically to my words. In defence, I hit her in attempt to get her away from me. This wasn't my best choice; I ended up in Juvenile Hall that night. My mothers friend was there and insisted on calling the police. It took a lot from my father to get my out the next day. Stories of yelling in court and cat-fights between my grandmother and my mothers friend... around 6pm on a Thursday, I was released from Juvie. I haven't talked to my mother since 2010.

     Seconds

 Who wants seconds? Apparently not Dove. Talk about a "One Hit Wonder". I was instantly pissed when she explained her reasons for being mad. It's because she doesn't want Prince after I have had him. But she didn't stop to think... what happened when I was in the shower? What happened before I met him? Seriously, really didn't feel like getting into "seconds". All I wanted to focus on was the seconds, minutes, hours, days, that I got to spend with him and the time that I have to look forward to. She was putting a damper on my thought process. So I did the next best thing, I left the room. I stood in the basement, near the washer and dryer, stressing my hair and cooling my blood. But I couldn't do that with her so close, up the stairs I went. I stood (paced quietly) in the dark kitchen for less then three minutes before Prince came up, followed by Dove. This wasn't a good sign. He would always follow his women up. There wasn't a single time that he went upstairs first if there wasn't something wrong (aka, the boys are fighting again, the food is burning, a unknown visitor, etc). I was right. He was Pissed. He was Concerned. He was not okay... He did something in the kitchen then went back downstairs telling Dove to tell me what just happened. She didn't speak fast enough so I moved to go downstairs when she blurted, "My filter isn't working tonight." Well duh, I just whitnessed an ultimate Filter Failure less then five minutes ago. Whats new?
     "Yes, that's fairly obvious," was all I said. I thought she was talking about her seconds comment. But she wasn't. I stood patiently, waiting for another explanation that wouldn't come.

     Pack Your Bags...

     "I told him to pack your bags, I want you both out."
     "Done. Can do. Already gone." I didn't need to hear anymore of what Dove had to say. I went downstairs to help Prince pack and get my own things together. I chose to ignore Dove at this point. I didn't want to hear excuses. She has said things in Anger before, but this was just ridiculous. Like she was mocking every conversation that we have had before this. About talking when she is mad, reining in her emotions. Never saying something drastic when she feels a high emotion. It all went to shit. Nothing me and Prince did mattered anymore. I honestly felt like she was a waist of my breathe. I almost walked into Prince when I went into the bedroom. But I walked past him and went to put my clothes on. I vaguely remember Prince telling me to stop and wait, to calm down, but all I was focused on was Dove trying to get me to stop. I was already out of my shirt and hell if I was going to stand there half naked. And that's exactly what I told her. What she doesn't understand is that I don't like to be touched by someone that I am angry with (mad... not angry, not even with a lower case A, because I wasn't to that point yet). I do it just for the comfort of Dove.

     A Conversation Of Champs

     After Dove had calmed down enough, and Prince persuaded me to hear her out... I listened. I will do almost anything for Prince. As long it stays within the parameters of my morals and comforts. But after she was done apologizing, we sat and talked. I was still quite mad so I just let it all spill. What I really thought of "seconds" and how much she had just broken my heart. I'm still not sure if I can ever forgive her for telling us to get out. An apology is not something that I hear on her lips very often. Just reasons and excuses. But I talked. I asked questions and I got worked up. I didn't give her much time to talk. Not at all. And I kinda regret not giving her more chance for words. But at the same time, I felt like she was done with the conversation as soon as we stopped packing. Four hours from her alarm going off and she was ready to go to sleep. Fuck the rest of us. But I do applaud her, at least she gave me her best effort to not get too upset when I was speaking... Not getting too frustrated that I was keeping her up later. I appreciate that she let me get everything out, but that conversation never had an ending... never had an appropriate outcome.

Alone Time

     SnowDove and Price have been together much longer then I have known them... so with knowing that, I have felt like I should stay out of the way. Almost ever night for the past couple of days, SnowDove as asked me for alone time with Prince. This entitled her and Prince going downstairs while I sat upstairs and waited... I soon found out that I really didn't like that (both Prince and SnowDove will be surprised to learn this...). The first time it happened, I was okay; just sitting on the couch with my Tablet in hand. But the second time they asked me to wait upstairs, I was pretty upset. I'm not entirely sure why I felt this way, but as Prince always says, you choose the feelings that you have and you choose how to use them. I decided to stop them from happening in the first place. So the next time they asked, of course I said yes. But this time, it was a test for myself, by myself. What I did was occupied my mind. I busied my hands, tending to things that needed to be done, and sure enough, SnowDove came back up the stairs with her Telling Smile and I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I was just happy. The smile on her face told me that she had a great time and so did Prince. But I learned that I cant just sit there and let my mind wonder and think about what is going on bellow me, that's how I got the bad emotions in the first place. Ever since then, I have made sure to have something going that can occupy my mind enough so that there is no bad feelings from me.

     I began to see that SnowDove was asking for a lot of time alone with Prince. And I didn't see that she was being quite fair. The other night, Prince asked for time alone with SnowDove and of course I complied, I don't think I could say 'no' even if I wanted to. But I made a deal this time; If I said yes, he had to come back up for some couch time with just me. He accepted and went downstairs. A little over an hour later, SnowDove came up. And boy was I Pissed! The Nerve of Prince for standing me up! The Fucker was downstairs already asleep. That has always been one of my worst fears; being forgotten. Bad memories from my childhood come back when I think of being forgotten. And I fear being forgotten by Prince and SnowDove. Like they would have gotten everything they wanted from me and just move on. Bad feelings grew again and instead of letting them out and possibly hurting Prince and SnowDove, I did what I always do when I'm upset. I Wrote. A lot. A good three pages worth of angry words. The Writing seems to help; It's become my coping mechanism with high emotions. SnowDove and Prince were both downstairs asleep, and I needed time alone. By the end of my Writing Spree, I was still pretty upset. I was angry at SnowDove; I was angry at Prince. Sitting on the couch, I can't see the stairs, but I can hear them when somebody is ascending or descending. I could feel my face turning red with frustration when I heard somebody coming up the stairs. All I wanted was some time alone. Angry tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. It was SnowDove. She had come up because she recognized that I wasn't in bed anymore. She said my name once and turned to walk around the couches to be closer to me. I thought about stopping her, but the concern in her voice told me otherwise. Just as long as she didn't turn on the damn light... She knelt down in front of me and i decided that she needed to know. So I told her everything. Calmly, I explained my feelings of that night and how annoyed I was with her. A very good talk. When i express a bad feeling or a concern, I'm looking for a possible solution. And she gave that to me. She told me to test her by asking to take Prince downstairs without her. I could see all sorts of issues with this. How was I going to do this without hurting her or causing an issue. Then I had an idea.
     The very next day, I asked to take Prince downstairs. This was Unexpected seeing as it was only the night before that she asked me to test her (I'm good at Unexpected). We were having this conversation over Prince, who was sitting between us, on Facebook. She said that she was ready right off the bat, but I wanted to be sure. I was pleasantly surprised by the emotions she showed; there was no anger or irritation that I could see. I agreed to a timed hour and that's just how it went.
     I took Prince downstairs and we talked. Just talked. A wonderful conversation. A few sweet kisses and a couple soft touches, but it was nothing too exciting... An hour later, the timer went off and I invited SnowDove to join us downstairs. When we asked her if she wanted to know what we did, she said yes. And that's just what we did. We told her that we talked and kissed. All with our clothes on...
     Another "test" is soon to come.