Dove's Week Off: 7 Day Journal

     The reason of writing this 7 day journal is because this is the week that SnowDove has off of work so she will be home every day all day. Our goal this week is to work through any more lingering jealousy and insecurities that we may have. 

Day 1; Monday

     Today went great! I started my monthly cycle today, but Prince has told me that it doesn't bother him; that he would like to try doing a couple things with me. This meant a lot to me, but I expressed that I wasn't sure if I was quite comfortable with that and he has honored my requests to shoot for Alone Time without SnowDove being there. I'd rather try something that makes me that uncomfortable with just him first, seeing as I trust him a bit more. More on that later I guess... Because I know that isn't the only reason why I'm not wanting to experience that with both Prince and Dove.... 

     Prince and Dove went downstairs and got alone time while I sat upstairs and watched a movie. No big deal, I'm okay with that. For now. But I didn't get any time... I'm hoping that it's just because Prince wanted to play games with his boys, which I really have no problem with. By the time they were done playing games, it was too late to ask for anything and we all fell asleep. At this point, I'm feeling just a little bit left out. Like her "needs" are more important. But I'm practicing patience, so I tell myself that I'm okay, pull out my book, and I'm soon asleep with the rest of the house. 

Day 2; Tuesday

     I'm feeling really irritable today. It's all I can do not to chew out every person that does even the littlest thing to annoy me... I believe that I am so irritable because of a hormone imbalance, and I tried to keep that in mind the whole day, and being sexually frustrated almost to the point of tears. Again I blame Hormonal Imbalance... 

     A series of events led to another emotional outburst from me.... Lucky, though, that I was asked to go into town with Dove. At first I denied, then I was persuaded. Even now, I still feel like I was manipulated emotionally to go into town with Dove. I want to blame Hormonal Imbalance... 

     I finally spilled my guts to Prince over text and told him exactly what had happened and why I thought I was feeling the way that I was. He understood and we are working on my issues together. 

     When we had gotten home, Dove was upset that Prince hadn't been texting her the whole time like he {supposedly} had been texting me. In reality, I had been messaging another one of my friends. "Assumptions are the mother of all fuck ups" is one of the many things that Prince says. Dove went downstairs and he followed. I'm not sure what posessed me to follow but when I walked in I saw Dove, leaning against Prince, with her pants down, his hand between her legs. She let out one last moan and told him that I was standing in the doorway. I felt uncomfortable. Like I was walking in on something. I wasn't sure if I should walk up to them or if I should let them have more time. I know now that I shouldn't have felt that, and I should have felt welcome to join in their fun. But I felt bitter. It was my turn to be made happy and she was taking it. Immediately after this thought crossed my mind, I was shocked. Was this really what I felt like? Was this really how I wanted to look at this moment? Or was I just being a bitch? I decided that she didn't deserved the feelings that I was having, it was fun for her, fun for him, and that's what matters most. I chose to overlook these irrational feelings of doubt and anger and chose to focus on the good in the situation. I was very happy with my choice. 

     We finished dinner and were just settling in to relax when Prince tells me that he is going to go down with Dove for about 20 minutes to try to put a smile on her face. First thought, "Uhm, okay, whatever you want... I guess". Second though, "She will make him happy and I know that I will get rewarded in the end. Albeit, alone time or Alone Time". 

    I didn't get any alone time. Sexual or not. I got a rude response from SnowDove. It felt to me like she was trying to plan out out time together. That Prince and I couldn't try anything new at all. She didn't want us to be in the shower, she wanted us to be on the bed with a towel under my ass to catch any mess from my cycle. I tried expressing politely to her that I wasn't comfortable with being on the bed and she starts getting frustrated, frustration turned to anger, which turned to me leaving the room. I went to sit in my car for roughly 15 minutes before Dove came out to talk to me. She was still irritable and I'm not okay with that. She has a tendency to do stupid and hurtful things when she isn't in control of her emotions. I was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. When I expressed that I didn't want her to be that close or that I needed to step out for a second (I was sitting in my driver side of my car with the door open and she was blocking my way) she said no, that I couldn't move and that she wanted to talk to me. My chest got tight and my breathing quickened. I was to the point of fearful tears. She wants me to trust her, yet she can't give me the space that I clearly state that I need. I couldn't hear her after that. I was shaking, I wasn't okay! When she finally backed off, I told her that I wasn't going to follow her instructions and I wasn't going to put up with being told how Prince and I need to spend our Alone Time. She told me that we don't get any Alone Time or alone time then. I followed her into the house, grabbed my purse and was ready to leave. 

     I made Prince promise me that if I ever wanted to leave, that he would do his best to try to persuade me to stay, but he wouldn't stop me. He yelled after me to stop as I headed out the front door, I turned around to see him coming closer. And he reminded me of that promise. I hugged him tightly, meaning for it to be our last hug, but I couldn't let go. His heart beat loudly in my ears and I melted. It felt like my eyes couldn't let go of the tears fast enough. A couple minutes were spent like this when he finally suggested that he and I go downstairs to talk about what had happened. I agreed. 

     I went downstairs and he followed suit. My insides were turning and my chest hurt worse then before. It was getting hard to breath. When he walked in behind me, I hugged him. And that was it. That was the last of the alone conversation with him. Dove walked in right after him. Thanks for that. 

     My blood pressure was rising, my emotions were high, but my intelligence was low... I was furious. I didn't want her to touch me, I didn't want to listen to her. She wasn't being fair at all. Why should I listen to her? Why was I putting up with this shit? What gives her the right to talk to me the way that she did? 

     We talked. Or rather, I listened to Prince and Dove talk. I said little to no words at all.

     My mind was already made up, no matter what, I wasn't going to sleep in the same bed as her. But I couldn't decide if it was going to be their couch or my bed at my grandfathers. But if I went to my grandfathers, I wasn't coming back. But every time I thought about leaving Prince, my chest got tighter and my throat closed up. I spent time upstairs with Prince, just writing. He was working on his post (yes it will be up soon) while I was working on mine. I had my blankets and such with me, ready to go to sleep on the couch if I so wished. 

     Prince went downstairs. I wasn't sure what I should do. Do I follow? What if I start yelling at her? What if I couldn't control my own emotions? What if I burn my bridge? What if, what if, what if???

     I ended up following anyway. Quaking in my slippers, I tried to stay out of Doves line of sight. If you could explain that one to me, that would be terrific because I have no idea why I didn't want to be seen by her. I was too angry to think things through. I didn't know how to act out my frustrations appropriately and that just made things worse. I followed Prince upstairs for a glass of water and to try to express what I was feeling. 

     He told me what he felt and why he did things the way that he does. His definition of family isn't blood relation. It's emotional bonds. And that really got to me. I felt like he was family in that moment. And the last thing that I wanted to do was cut out his wife. 

     His wife... Her husband... Sometimes those titles bother me. But only because of the way it can be used. The way that it is used. Because she is his first wife and his only wife, she automatically has more privileges then me. Equality can't be reached when that title is used in such a way. So I asked Prince for the same consideration; the same privileges. One of those privileges is being able to say no to the others Alone Time. Keep in mind, I want to squish this privilege completely. To where nobody has it. But in order to do that, I need her to see what it's doing to me.  

Day 3; Wednesday

     I woke up this morning, not sure what I was walking in to. What did they do while I was asleep? I had expressed to Prince last night, that I wanted to be able to say no to her. I wanted to give her "a taste of her own medicine" so to speak. We talk about wanting equality, but she has the ability to say no to my Alone Time, yet I have nothing compared to those privileges. They don't ask me anymore. They just tell me that they are going downstairs and that's that. No extra thought or consideration. But when it's him and I, all hell breaks loose when I want time.

     I asked Prince what they had done this morning and he said that all it was, was a blow job. I have my reserves about what he is saying, but I give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that he has not lied to me once. Nor does he have a reason to lie to me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but when I say that I wanted to be able to say no to Dove, I meant just Dove. Prince was free to ask for any of his own pleasure, just so long as I still got my point across with Dove. 

     When I'm on my cycle, I need to be clean. Sometimes my body disgusts me so much, that I want to change sexes. I just don't think that I could handle being a man, so I opted out of that idea. But it doesn't change the gross feeling during this time of month. So in order to feel even remotely clean, I need to take a shower morning and night. A rinse off in the morning and a full shower at night. I believe that it is due to a slight case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Of course, other people need to shower as well so when Dove said that she wanted to take a shower first, it was okay by me. I just didn't want Prince to go down with her. I expressed this to him and he kindly agreed. Going in to the bathroom, strictly just to help her wash her back. 

     I got to shower next. There was no planning, but Prince had told Dove that he wanted her to stay on the bed for a few minutes while he came in to wash my back. The bathroom doesn't have a door on it, just a curtain. From the bedroom, you can hear anything and everything that's going on in the shower. But from the shower, you can't even hear the bedroom door close. So within 3 minutes of Prince stepping in the shower with me, we heard the door slam shut. We held still, listening for more signs of her throwing something or stomping around. Sure enough, we heard stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp above us as Dove walked across the living room floor. The water pressure went down, like someone had flushed the toilet, and we heard some more stomp, stomp, stomp, stomping. Something wasn't adding up. A person couldn't even get their pants down in the time that it took Dove to stomp to the toilet and back. My theory is that she peaked in or even just heard Prince step into the shower with me (no other intention then to wash my back and give me a chance to hug him without worry) and got upset enough to flush the toilet and show that she was upset. How many times has Prince stepped into the shower with Dove? Too many to count. How many times has Prince felt comfortable enough to come wash my back with her in the house? Only once. I hope you, as readers, can see my frustration in this. She is jealous of a lot of things, rightfully so, but she is also jealous of the things that she doesn't have a right to be upset about. She doesn't have a good enough reason to be upset about. 

     I got to shower with Prince. But it didn't go as expected, again. This shower, after the incident this morning, was meant for pleasure and ecstasy. But it was pleasurable, but not completely fulfilling... I left the lights in the bathroom off, two candles sat above the shower, kitty corner to each other. It wasn't because of ambiance, it was because I didn't want that much light, I wanted the darkness. I wanted to not be able to see the colours of the water. Nothing really worked out, but we didn't really have that much time either. Prince wanted to keep it short. As short as 15 minutes. Under normal circumstances, 15 minutes wouldn't be enough, and he knew that. But because we were both concerned about what Dove's reaction was going to be, 15 minutes was almost too long. Part of the reason it wasn't as great as it could have been was because I felt rushed. I felt under pressure. And that wasn't fair to me.

Day 4; Thursday 

     Today, 17 years ago, Prince and SnowDove walked themselves down to the city hall and signed the documents required by law to be considered married... 

     No white satin or egg shell lace... No big bouquet of red roses... No fancy dinner party...
     I admire Dove for being able to look past the societal tradition of a big white wedding with a white dress and expensive decorations... In a way, she has taught me something; An Anniversary isn't about remembering the pretty perks of The Big Day and how much fun the after party was... it's about remembering the Love that made them want to get married in the first place. It's about remembering all of those times that they felt Loved and how much they Love one another. It was never about how long the train of her dress was or that the flowers were perfectly fresh... Although, I'm not sure that I would forgive myself for giving that up. I'm a cliche, in the sense that I have been planning my wedding since I was eight. I don't think that I could go without the societal traditions.

     Our day started as usual, boys off to school and all... I woke up last... again...
     I came upstairs happy and I've been happy all day. Not at all mad, jealous, frustrated... nothing but HAPPY! I thought I would have had a few issues at least considering its been 5 days since I've had any Alone Time with Prince... but I surprised myself! I guess I Love them more then I wish for my own Needs to be fulfilled....
     The plan was to go to the city, which is about an hour and fifteen minutes away. But considering it was snowing this morning, they decided that they didn't want to risk the roads so they would go to town instead. My plan was to send them off with Love and Good Wishes and stay home so they could have alone time on their anniversary. But both Prince and Dove willed me to go. So I did. And I chaperoned them in my classic car and drove them wherever they wanted to go. 

     We went to breakfast and did a couple errands and came on back home. Dove wasn't feeling well and she felt like she was taking something from Prince for being sick. We explained that it wasn't anything that she did on purpose, and we could do more the next day. A couple hours later, she came back upstairs and was feeling much better. They went to dinner and had a fancy meal while I "baby"sat the boys at home. When they got home, Dove noticed something on Prince's back that looked a lot like hives. She spent the next hour looking for his epipen. That really concerns me. We need to have it on hand in case of an emergency. But with so many moves in the past couple of years, it must have gotten lost in one of the boxes. 

     Prince started to look better, it wasn't a bad case of hives, but we think it was because of the wine. He ended up falling asleep on the couch, he needed the rest. When Dove woke him up to get ready to go downstairs, he was groggy, barely able to keep his eyes open. And that upset her. She wasn't going to get any Alone Time tonight, and it had really pissed her off. I couldn't decide between getting upset and yelling or just laughing my ass off. She had just been sick earlier today and she wasn't allowing Prince to be sick. In fact she was angry that he was sick. I decided to shut my mouth and wait it out. I mean to talk to her about it in the morning.

Day 5; Friday 

      Seeing as it has been 6 days since the teasing started, and I wasn't aloud to ask for Alone Time, Dove and Prince decided to try something as a group. But we had to go to the city this morning and again I felt rushed and under pressure. So I stopped them and we went about our day.

      We went to the city for bulk groceries and made a pit stop at the local go kart track. When Prince made the decision to have fun on the track. I felt a lot of pent up anger radiating from Dove, but she didn't say anything. I was wondering how long it was going to take her to voice her opinion. It wasn't until we were almost to the go karts that she finally told us what was on her mind. Prince explained that he didn't get to do fun things like that because the boys were always in trouble. And she ended up agreeing and dropping the subject. Dove couldn't go because she was claustrophobic and couldn't keep the helmet on. So it was just me and Prince. I had a blast. It was definitely an experience to be remembered. At first I was unsure of my driving skills but as time went on, it got better and better, and I was able to at least keep up with Prince. A very good experience. Until it was over. We went back to Dove, who was waiting for us in the lounge that overlooked the track. She was hurt. I'm still not clear on why she was hurt but my best guess was that she couldn't go, but we went anyway. Either way, it put a very large damper on my very good memory. I'm having a very hard time with that actually. I'm not sure what to think. All I really know is that I'm hurt that she wouldn't even try. She put a helmet on, that was it. She didn't even attempt to sit in the go kart, but it's whatever I guess. I just don't want to keep having this feeling that she isn't satisfied with him and I being happy doing something without her. 

     It's been 6 days since I've been fully satisfied. Teased all to hell ever day since. And I haven't had an ounce of alone time or Alone Time. Yesterday was their anniversary. Prince ended up feeling very sickly towards the end of the night and Dove didn't get any Alone Time. I can respect that they deserve at least the little bit that I can give them but damn it, I'm being overlooked again. What am I supposed to do? I've expressed this to Prince already. I'm not comfortable with talking to Dove about it. I still can't get over the whole husband-and-wife thing. I can't just go up to a woman and basically ask to screw her husband. It just feels wrong to me even though Prince has said time and time again that... Well... Come to think of it... He hasn't really said anything. He does frequently say that he tried to give equal attention to both of his women, but I don't think that that is what I want. What do I want...? I want happy. And this isn't happy. 

     It's not that I mad about not being satisfied, it's that I haven't been important enough. I think. I mean, I'm a woman, I've been one all my life, I can take care of myself. It's not that he won't give me the kind of attention that I want, it's that it's such a hard thing to ask that my needs are met as well. Ugh, I don't know what to think anymore. She isn't ready for this. I don't think he is either. Maybe karma has finally caught up to me, I've done all that I can to help this family, now it's time for me to move on. 

     Am I being ungrateful? Am I asking too much? Am I wrong? Is there anybody who can tell me that I'm wrong? I'm feeling more then a little hurt. Does he just want emotional and physical benefits from me only when he feels like he wants them??? It just doesn't seem fair at all. 

     These are the kinds of thoughts that I've been wrestling with all week. How does a person sleep after something like this? I feel like crawling into a ball and staying there for a while. Just to see if I get more of my needs met that way. How do they expect me to react? I mean, right now, as I type this, they are downstairs enjoying each other. And I'm upstairs. Again. Does Dove care about my needs at all? Does Prince? How do I express myself so I get the full point across respectfully and 

Day 6; Saturday

     I reread my entry last night... I'm wasn't sure if I should post it or not. It's venomous... Angry... And unfair. But I decided that it could possibly be helpful. This is what this blog is about, for us to share our feelings and emotions with the world and let you guys, as readers, benefit from our findings. Stay tuned for the next conversation. 

     I was very pleased with our conversion tonight. Prince was falling asleep quickly so me and Dove got a chance to chat a little. Nothing was resolved, per say, but I feel like I was understood and I feel like Dove was understood. I have a new outlook on our situation and relationship. I had developed a sort of jealousy when Prince and Dove were alone and I kept getting myself deeper into that. But when I saw the reaction that Dove had when I told her a few things, I recognized my own feelings from before in her eyes... I instantly felt bad for the feelings that I had, and the emotions that I was showing. In this situation, I have found that putting myself into anothers shoes is really what is helping me. Another thing that has been helping me, is watching Gabriel Iglasias, or Ron White on Youtube to try to lift my spirits when I start to feel alone when they are downstairs. It has helped.

Day 7; Sunday

     Dove almost had to force Prince and I downstairs. He would go upstairs every so often to do something or another; Check the car battery (we were having issues with the car); check on dinner; a loud bang. And when he came back downstairs he looked concerned. When I had asked him why, he told me that Dove was upset that he wasn't paying full attention to me. That made me think... But I'm not sure what to think... kinda funny, kinda weird that she would have that kind of reaction to him coming upstairs. I remember my reaction to a couple times that Prince had come upstairs from being with Dove and went right back down, it wasn't good. I felt like Prince was downsizing Dove's reaction, but who am I to assume? Benefit of the doubt and all...

Summary

     This week started out slow, and annoying. But by the end of the week, I started to feel like we were getting somewhere. Now, being Tuesday, I feel guilty for not posting this on Monday but I also feel like we made much more progress then ever before. I'm happy with the results thus far.

     On Day 1, I had created a Facebook account and was talking to a couple people on a few different Polygamy groups. I wanted to thank the few people who were willing to talk to me. You all helped me so very much! Feel free to look me up! red.crawford.3