A Lovely Night Gone Awry

     I was recently told of my ex boyfriends new girlfriend. I'm not sure why I'm letting this news effect me as much as it did, but it was. And I was feeling not-so-great about it. My mood was down and I just realized that there was no going back, even if I wanted to. I realized that this Change in Lifestyle was my Choice. By Choice. The events that transpired after this news, still rack me from head to toe.

Pure Love

     I was feeling like I just needed time. Alone. So, I went downstairs Alone and sat in our dark room. Just thinking. And SnowDove walks in...
     "No lights," is all I have to say and she is kneeling in front of me trying to console me in whatever it is that I'm upset about.
     How do I express what I'm feeling, how do I express what I am trying not to feel. How the hell do I stop feeling it? Upset, Low, Weak, The-Lowest-Of-The-Low.
     Dove sat there with me while I wrestled with these feelings until I reminded her of dinner. It took a bit to get her to go eat, but I told her that I still wanted her down with me, just as soon as she had dinner. Prince had been upstairs still, getting his boys food and eating himself. Not long after I was left alone, both Dove and Prince came back downstairs to sit in the dark with me. It warmed my heart to see both of them walking around in their dark room, tripping over clothes and dogs, just to mollify me...
     I wasn't sure what to say when Dove put her head on my hand, she looked uncomfortable. She felt uncomfortable physically, like she was trying hard just to stay in one place. Her head was cocked to one side and she looked strained. But she didn't move, so I asked her if she was comfortable and attempted to move. But Prince stopped me...
     "She is doing it out of Love, my Dear. She is just trying to be there for you." This caused me to stop and think. And cry again. The Love that I felt poring out of her soul was incredible.

     Prince and Dove sent me to the shower, which was what I needed.  I wasn't okay... I didn't think that I could be... But just before I left for the shower, Prince made the comment of "taking care of other duties". By "other duties" he means husbandry duties towards his wife. This wasn't what I wanted to hear. On most occasions, I really don't mind being told, as long as I have a distraction. But that night, it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. It really bothered me that he felt the need to tell me. I really didn't mind that they did, it was just that at that moment in time, I didn't want to know. But instead of telling him then, I let it be; I needed to get away. To be able to let my emotions run down the drain with my body wash... It felt good. The single lit candle lighting the thick steam around the bathroom... It felt relaxing. And I melted.
     A bit after I had gotten everything clean, I stayed in the shower, partly because I wanted to give Dove and Prince more time, and partly because it felt good to just stand under the hot water, letting the hot, moist air fill my lungs... Soon after, Dove came in and told me that he wouldn't be able to be fully satisfied tonight because of his Meds. She told me this because it was my week to be careful, unless of course I would like to get pregnant. I had told her that I wasn't sure that I was in the mood to play. I just felt like cuddling. She left to let me alone and get me a towel (which I always forget).

      Alone Time... (The Sequel)

     Just before Dove left to give me and Prince some time alone, I got a vibe. Not weird, not odd, but bad... Her whole demeanour changed. She had only been concerned when she asked me if I still needed my time with her. It just happened that I really needed time with Prince. I thought that since the first time I wanted alone time, she had gained a bit more respect for the simple fact that I also needed time. That I needed to have that same feeling... Especially because of the feelings that I was having because of my new found information on my Ex.  

      Making Love

     When we felt comfortable with Dove's feelings about him and I being alone, we talked again. I really wasn't in the mood for much... just cuddling. Just being together. Just being with him. He kept kissing me... all over. Up and down. He was driving my crazy. Insane with want. I had asked him to stop, asked him to just lay down, but he knows that I really didn't want him to stop... He knows that little tint in my voice when I'm just saying words just to say something... anything. My heart started pounding when he got closer... and closer... and closer still... Until, if he got any closer, he would have crushed me. I loved it. I loved that he didn't stop, I loved that I didn't want him to.
     This was it. This was Love. This is what it felt like to be truly Loved by someone. The tingling whenever I touched him, the warmth of his body against mine. Our breathing heavy. Our hearts full... 
     There is no sex between him and I. That word is no longer in my vocabulary. It has become a "bad-word" when describing what I experience with Prince.

          Dictionary.com

     Dictionary.com defines Make Love; A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment of deep affection. Sexual passion or desire. A person toward whom love is felt; Beloved person; Sweetheart.
     Dictionary.com defines Sex; Either the male of female division of a species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions. The sum of the structural and functional differences by which the male and female are distinguished, or the phenomena or behaviour dependent on these differences. The instinct or attraction drawing one sex toward another, or its manifestation in life and conduct. Coitus. Genitalia. To have sex is to engage in sexual intercourse.

     The definition of Making Love suits Shane and I much more then a person would think... Much more than I could have ever imagined. I'm very proud to say that my experience and relationship with Prince is much better then anybody I have ever met solely for the reason of Love.

     SnowDove 

     Prince and I were laying on the bed still, and I heard his watch go off, marking the beginning of another hour. I thought back to the last time I heard that and immediatly picked up my phone. Crap. I didn't set the alarm. What time was it when Dove went upstairs? Hoping against hope that we didn't go over a hour, I sent her a quick text telling her to join us as soon as the timer went off upstairs. Then I set the phone down and went back to putting my full attention back to Prince.
     I had climbed on top of him, just to be closer, my robe falling open against his bare chest, his pants warm against our skin... He started to playfully tease me again, rubbing and wiggling just so...  And we talked. About the first thing that came to mind. Whatever it was, it wasn't that important.
     Around that time, Dove walked in. I finished my thought with Prince before I looked up... I knew exactly what I would see. The anger in her eyes was so fierce that I almost walked away right then and there. All of my Happy was gone again. I was not looking forward to the next hour or two.
 
*The next few paragraphs are low on memory, high emotion and lack of emotion are the causes of my memory loss at this point.

     Dove was Angry. With a capital A. How does a person calm down after they reach the point of anger? Especially with this much Anger.... I remember her telling me that she sent me a reply over text. Three texts to be exact...

[The timer] went off 30 mins ago.

I don't want to [come downstairs].

But I will.

     I showed these messages to Prince, thinking that he might be able to make more sense of 'why' then I could. But when I showed them to him, she ripped the pillow off the bed that was half under his head. The word 'run' comes to mind. What was I thinking? Coming downstairs with Prince was a bad idea.

     Physical Memories

     Somehow, Prince got Dove calmed down enough to lay on the bed with us. In doing so, she elbowed Prince hard. Hard enough to make him get off the bed. I counted to 5 slowly, waiting for an apology or recognition of an accident. There was none. This upset me quite a bit actually. I remember my mother and father laying on their bed with me, watching a To be able to let my emotions run down the drain with my body wash...movie on the flat screen. My mother had done something to cause my father pain in some way and all she did was laugh. My father ended up sleeping on the couch because of a failed apology from my mother.** This brought back a flood of emotions. Everything inside me was telling me that I needed to get away from Dove. Just like I got away from my mother. She pulled me in for a hug and I held my breathe and tried to calm down. Looking into Prince's eyes, I could see honest concern and Love. For both of us. Somehow, that look had centred me and I began to Breath again.
     After some more tears and sniffles from her, she was finally calm enough talk again. I went to use the restroom and when I got back, she was sitting on the bed looking up at Prince. I sat down beside her and she took my hand. (Note; I still haven't heard an apology from Dove to Prince for hurting him) 

     **My parents got a divorce while I was in Middle School; Part of my anger towards her had gotten out of hand one night. I said something that was not okay and she reacted physically to my words. In defence, I hit her in attempt to get her away from me. This wasn't my best choice; I ended up in Juvenile Hall that night. My mothers friend was there and insisted on calling the police. It took a lot from my father to get my out the next day. Stories of yelling in court and cat-fights between my grandmother and my mothers friend... around 6pm on a Thursday, I was released from Juvie. I haven't talked to my mother since 2010.

     Seconds

 Who wants seconds? Apparently not Dove. Talk about a "One Hit Wonder". I was instantly pissed when she explained her reasons for being mad. It's because she doesn't want Prince after I have had him. But she didn't stop to think... what happened when I was in the shower? What happened before I met him? Seriously, really didn't feel like getting into "seconds". All I wanted to focus on was the seconds, minutes, hours, days, that I got to spend with him and the time that I have to look forward to. She was putting a damper on my thought process. So I did the next best thing, I left the room. I stood in the basement, near the washer and dryer, stressing my hair and cooling my blood. But I couldn't do that with her so close, up the stairs I went. I stood (paced quietly) in the dark kitchen for less then three minutes before Prince came up, followed by Dove. This wasn't a good sign. He would always follow his women up. There wasn't a single time that he went upstairs first if there wasn't something wrong (aka, the boys are fighting again, the food is burning, a unknown visitor, etc). I was right. He was Pissed. He was Concerned. He was not okay... He did something in the kitchen then went back downstairs telling Dove to tell me what just happened. She didn't speak fast enough so I moved to go downstairs when she blurted, "My filter isn't working tonight." Well duh, I just whitnessed an ultimate Filter Failure less then five minutes ago. Whats new?
     "Yes, that's fairly obvious," was all I said. I thought she was talking about her seconds comment. But she wasn't. I stood patiently, waiting for another explanation that wouldn't come.

     Pack Your Bags...

     "I told him to pack your bags, I want you both out."
     "Done. Can do. Already gone." I didn't need to hear anymore of what Dove had to say. I went downstairs to help Prince pack and get my own things together. I chose to ignore Dove at this point. I didn't want to hear excuses. She has said things in Anger before, but this was just ridiculous. Like she was mocking every conversation that we have had before this. About talking when she is mad, reining in her emotions. Never saying something drastic when she feels a high emotion. It all went to shit. Nothing me and Prince did mattered anymore. I honestly felt like she was a waist of my breathe. I almost walked into Prince when I went into the bedroom. But I walked past him and went to put my clothes on. I vaguely remember Prince telling me to stop and wait, to calm down, but all I was focused on was Dove trying to get me to stop. I was already out of my shirt and hell if I was going to stand there half naked. And that's exactly what I told her. What she doesn't understand is that I don't like to be touched by someone that I am angry with (mad... not angry, not even with a lower case A, because I wasn't to that point yet). I do it just for the comfort of Dove.

     A Conversation Of Champs

     After Dove had calmed down enough, and Prince persuaded me to hear her out... I listened. I will do almost anything for Prince. As long it stays within the parameters of my morals and comforts. But after she was done apologizing, we sat and talked. I was still quite mad so I just let it all spill. What I really thought of "seconds" and how much she had just broken my heart. I'm still not sure if I can ever forgive her for telling us to get out. An apology is not something that I hear on her lips very often. Just reasons and excuses. But I talked. I asked questions and I got worked up. I didn't give her much time to talk. Not at all. And I kinda regret not giving her more chance for words. But at the same time, I felt like she was done with the conversation as soon as we stopped packing. Four hours from her alarm going off and she was ready to go to sleep. Fuck the rest of us. But I do applaud her, at least she gave me her best effort to not get too upset when I was speaking... Not getting too frustrated that I was keeping her up later. I appreciate that she let me get everything out, but that conversation never had an ending... never had an appropriate outcome.

Knowing

     While typing this and thinking about everything that was going on, I realized that I'm sharing things with the public before sharing them with the two people who really need to know... I usually write things out, use my journal as an outlet first then let Prince read it.
     A reality show comes to mind... one that is honest and not staged. I wonder what it's like to let things out by making your loved ones watch it on TV before you get a chance to talk to them about it. Is that considered talking behind their back?
     But that is the reason that I am letting Prince and Dove read my posts before I post them, that way it doesn't turn into a 'going-behind-their-back' kind of situation...
     I wish that these thoughts get treated as if they are strait out of my journal...